Title Goes Here Probably

ukiyoexo:

Reasons to live - #1

The stars.

To be able to go outside at night and watch as the stars fill the sky with light. To be able to lie in bed and watch the neon stars stuck to your ceiling glow in the dark. To be able to look at someone and see the millions of stars that sparkle so brightly in their eyes.

screaming–agony:

Dear Diary,

The hardest thing to do is when I’m with someone but my back is to them and I’m crying so hard I can’t breathe but I know this next inhale is going to give away that I’m sobbing, So I hold my breath even longer trying to compose myself then finally when I can’t take it anymore I’m forced to inhale and miraculously able to accomplish quietly. Then more tears fall. Does this pain ever stop?

My brain has decided to instead recall with unfortunate clarity

The time I decided to actually talk to my dad and ask him if I could go to therapy, due at least in part to the sexual abuse that happened when I was younger.

And his response was

“Well you clearly enjoyed what happened. You didn’t tell anyone about it for ages. You could’ve stopped them at any time. It probably felt like some exciting secret and it doesn’t do anyone any good to bring it up now.”

And there it was. Somehow he managed to take exactly the sentences I most feared and present them as some kind of obvious reality.

I don’t know if I’ll ever forget that talk.
I certainly won’t forget cutting Whore into myself over and over again. As if hoping that it would bring some kind of penance for this action that was apparently my fault. A reminder of how awful of disgusting I was. The guilt may have mostly faded but the marks lightly remain.

It’s been 5 years since he said that. I never brought it up again. I thought I was over this.

Guess who just wants to sleep.

iwantasecretgarden:

• Getting overwhelmed in crowds
  
• Getting upset or angry at a loud alarm
  
• Ordinary nightmares (that have nothing to do with the circumstances, just stupid nightmares much more often than the average person)
• Getting sharp pains in your back/neck/collarbones that make it hard to breathe (due to hypervigilance/constant high anxiety)
• Learning that “high anxiety” does not mean “generalized anxiety” like other people have with panic attacks and not feeling that they can accomplish thing. PTSD anxiety just means this frenetic energy that makes you want to talk/think/do things (even as an introvert) to avoid stopping.
• Feeling constantly bored like you have to chase after something, even if you’re just at home: I spend hours on tumblr, pinterest, watching tv, reading books, making art, never just laying there alone…because if you stop…the darkness is there
• Thinking up stories before bed. This is a symptom of high anxiety because you’re trying to calm down and fall asleep in a “safe world” where people are looking out for you and caring for you.
• Trouble falling asleep (which is distinct from insomnia) because turning off electronics etc. doesn’t help since your heartrate/fight or flight response is engaged
• Periods of racing heart (mine has gotten to 120bpm for five hours) that make you feel like you’re waiting for something to happen
• Exaggerated startle response. When I was a kid I used to hide behind corners to surprise my sisters. Two years ago my friend hid under my desk to scare me. I literally screamed, fell out of the chair, and started crying. She was laughing because she thought the joke went well, and then got concerned because I kept crying.
• Purposefully “tanking” a bad day with sad music/tv/movies/books because it “was already ruined anyway”

(via pouchrat-deactivated20190708)

nanomonster:

kasindrarules:

escasun:

me: stutters out fifteen sentence fragments that no-one can make sense of not even me
me: you know?

that one friend who knows you better than you: yeah

@no-scars idk how you understand me when im jjust grunting vaguely but i appreciate it

Good guessing, context, and constantly over analyzing anything in my zone of sight and hearing

(via pouchrat-deactivated20190708)

Two dresses!!! You’d get to be so princess and lovely and people would compliment you all day long but there would be Two which would be like. I dunno I mean obviously twice as much. It just seems so exciting because yknow all people have these different tastes and a lot of people spend so long finding the perfect dress and it’s easy to coordinate a dress with a tux but do you coordinate dresses? Is it bad luck to see your DressWearingSpouse in their wedding dress before the wedding if you are also going to be a DressWearingSpouse? If so how do your coordinate the dresses you’ve got to have like super friends that are just wow like “yes Alex that dress looks wonderful but we should get one with less ruffles. Because reasons” or is it just a super surprise
A beautiful combination of styles

idiopathicsmile:

murahin:

it occasionally occurs to me that pretty much all sj issues can be summed up as “don’t hurt people” with a sidenote of “you can hurt people on accident, but they’re still hurt so apologize and learn from it”

basically at the core of it, it’s similar to “if you bump into a stranger, apologize and try not to do it again”. And people not only debate it, but some go out of their way to bump into strangers and scream “Awww are you hurt?! are you crying!! did I upset you!!” as a weird hobby

also true of like 90% of what gets called “political correctness”

there is a difference between language that sugarcoats and language that is specifically designed to not hurt groups of people who are targeted all the time

knowingly using words that hurt them isn’t edgy, it’s mean 

(via noonetellsyouno)

livingdeadpoetssociety:

livingdeadpoetssociety:

The best line in Lilo and Stitch is, “No! Don’t touch that! It’s from my blue period!”

Like not only is Lilo familiar with goddamn Picasso despite being maybe 8, but she’s made enough serious art of her own that she can divide it into similar periods.

Lilo is a goddamn prodigy. She is an eccentric genius on par with Tesla or Van Gogh.

Like those pictures she took were both dismissals of beauty standards (she mostly photographed fat people who were not conventionally attractive and she referred to them in awe as beautiful) and subversions of the dehumanization tourists subjected her to as a native Hawaiian (she photographed tourists like they were simply part of the landscape, just as they did to her).

This little girl understands art better than me.

(via bandgeek-1d)

ladyjanelly:

57circlesofhell:

I once tried to explain depression to someone as like if one day you gradually started to lose both your sense of taste and your ability to feel full. And you don’t know why, but now everything you eat tastes like mashed potatoes and nothing you eat is satisfying. You keep eating because you must eat to live, but the effort that it takes to prepare food is taxing and there is no pay off. You just know it will taste like mashed potatoes. You just know you will still be hungry. So you stop bothering with seasonings. Then you stop bothering to use ingredients you used to like. Then you start to wonder what the point of eating is because there is no payoff. You still feel hungry and you’re sick of the taste and you don’t know if you will ever enjoy food again and you don’t know why this is happening.

If someone comes up to you in this scenario and says, “Well have you tried spicing your food? Using different ingredients? Eating foods you used to love?” It isn’t necessarily helpful because the reason you stopped doing all that in the first place is that everything…tasted…like mashed…potatoes.

This. Completely this.

(via trust)